Portrait of the Artist as a Young Geek

Monday saw the release of Muntadhar al-Zeidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at then-President George W. Bush in the middle of a conference. Today Jimmy Carter commented with a declaration that the assault was "based on race." He elaborated by claiming that there is an "inherent feeling" among Muslims, especially in Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan, that someone outside their own culture is "not qualified to lead this great country," and that "an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity" toward Bush in general is generated by such racist stances. Suggestions that al-Zeidi might merely have been frustrated by and responding, albeit inappropriately, to Bush's policies were dismissed by Carter, who pointed out that "if he'd wanted to express that, he could have objected vocally. Maybe 'you are dishonest!' or something like that."

Afterward, Carter also mentioned that Kayne West's interruption of the MTV Music Awards was based on a "dastardly" belief that white people can't sing.

Yeah, I was bored...


Take a drink every time someone:
- Says that a President McCain would be "Bush's third term".
- Claims that Bush stole the 2000 election.
- Hell, brings up Bush at all as if he were the one running.
- Accuses Palin of inexperience and being on the ticket for charisma or special-interest-vote-grabbing purposes without seeing the irony.
- Says that a President Obama would lead to terrorists on our doorstep.
- Claims Obama doesn't have a position beyond "change!"
- Calls Obama an "elitist."
- Tries to bring Michelle Obama, Bristol Palin, or any other relatives of candidates into the argument of whether the candidate him/herself is right for the job.
- Talks about what "the Democrats" or "the Republicans" are doing to America without being able to name a specific one doing said action.
- Complains that the networks are favoring the other candidate (whichever network or candidate that may be).
- Uses a TV show or some other work of fiction to justify their political view.
- Uses an absolute phrase ("everyone", "definitely", "will happen", "no chance", etc.) as if they know the minds of all voters/the candidates or can see the future.
- Focuses on a candidate's Veep choice, positively or negatively, as if it overrides everything about the candidate himself.
- Grumbles about their OWN candidate's Veep choice.
- Admits they don't like their candidate but "he beats the alternative."

Take two drinks every time someone:
- Claims that Bush stole BOTH elections, or accuses McCain in advance of trying to steal 2008.
- Denies, when reminded by someone who knew them back then, that time back in 2000 when they said they would have gladly voted for McCain if the GOP had just nominated HIM instead of that Texan doofus.
- Describes what WOULD have happened if Gore or Kerry had become president, positively or negatively, as if they'd been to that timeline while hanging with Rhys-Davies on Sliders.
- Thinks parroting a bumper sticker counts as an actual argument.
- Uses the terms "jihad" or "World War III", in support of either candidate.
- Keeps bringing up a gaffe of either candidate as if a tongue-twist counteracts an entire campaign.
- Says a victory/support of McCain over Obama must be "racist", or otherwise seems to be voting for Obama purely to put a black man in office.
- Says a victory/support of Obama over McCain/Palin must be "sexist", or otherwise seems to be voting for McCain purely to put a woman in the Veep seat.
- Declares with certainty that no one who votes for the other guy has actually put any thought into what they're doing.
- Can't name a single specific campaign promise of their candidate.
- Can't name a single specific campaign promise of the OTHER candidate.
- Threatens to move out of the country if the other guy wins.

Drink the pitcher every time someone:
- Thinks Obama is Muslim, or tries to take some meaning out of how much Obama's name resembles a certain bearded Arabian with interest in US flight plans.
- Thinks we should "nuke 'em."
- Uses the term "babykiller."
- Seriously compares either Bush or the GOP in general to the Nazis, the Norsefire Party, or the Galactic Empire.
- Seriously compares either Obama or the Democrats in general to Communists or terrorists.
- Denies, when reminded by someone who knew them back then, that time back in 2007 when they said they hoped the GOP would nominate someone more moderate "like McCain" this time but "that's not gonna happen".
- Declares they don't know a single person who ever voted for Bush, with or without denying that this may mean they live a sheltered life.
- Brings up conspiracies, either right or left wing.
- Can't name a single specific campaign promise of EITHER candidate.
- Argues that Hillary should run as a third-party candidate (and is at least claiming to be Democrat; McCain supporters getting schadenfreudey over the prospect don't count).
- Threatens to move out of the country if the other guy wins, and made the same threat regarding a Bush victory in 2000 and/or 2004.
- Plans to vote Nader.
- Yells until they turn red or start pounding the table (or, if online, uses multiple exclamation points or caps lock for an entire clause).

Empty the pitcher over the head of anyone who:
- Isn't sure who the candidates are.
- After arguing for at least 10 minutes, admits they don't plan to bother to vote.

My brother and I sometimes, when we're feeling bored out of our minds slightly insane profound, discuss philosophical theories. Such as the Principle of the Zero-Sum Pen Universe.

Here's how the Principle works. There are a constant number of pens in the universe. Every time a pen is manufactured, another vanishes from existence. This is why the pen you knew was in the drawer yesterday sometimes disappears without a trace.

You might suggest that the solution is obvious: stop manufacturing pens. However, pens run out of ink; therefore, you must make a new one, and hope that the one that vanishes was out of ink anyway. (The amount of ink left in the pen does seem to be a factor as to whether it vanishes, but perfectly full pens have vanished under the Principle, so there are clearly other variables involves. More research is needed; unfortunately, my grant applications to date have all been rejected for some reason.)

The fact that the Principle increases pen sales is a bonus to pen manufacturers, in the same way dairy farmers quietly rejoice whenever a carton of milk goes bad and you're forced to buy a fresh quart. However, it is one they cannot so easily abuse: if they go crazy with pen production in an effort to wipe out the entire world's supply, the pens coming fresh off the conveyor belt are themselves at risk, and the cost of their production is lost before they can even be sold. Thus, Bic and others carefully track rates of pen annihilation and have come up with an optimum level of production that allows them the best risk/reward ratio. (Bic's research into this subject goes through their Department of Pen Threshold Observance and Optimization Inquiry, or Department of PTOOI.)

Pen Theory is offered as a course at most reputable institutions, and is required for any manager-level position at pen factories.

Finally, a summary of The Da Vinci Code we can all understand!

Somewhere in the chain of communications and orders that lead us from "Hey, we need to resupply our water cooler jugs" to "Here are you water cooler jugs, sir," there was a snafu last week. What it amounted to was that we came in Friday and were out of water. Allen (all hail his generosity) drove out and bought a single jug, which lasted us a whole half-day, and then we were dehydrated again. Some people actually started resorting to drinking from the tab (gasp!) These were dark times, and they continued through the weekend straight through to late Tuesday, when, miracle of miracles, water came forth from the rock (or maybe the delivery truck), and we were saved. Now water is plentiful again, and all rejoice.

I should mention that my aunt and uncle live in San Antonio, which makes us Spurs fans by extension. My dad was actually visiting with them Tuesday and got to spend the evening at their place watching Game 6... much naughty language ensued. But all is better now.

They remain predictable, though. Literally two seconds after the game clock hit zero, our phone rang. Andrew walks over, picks it up, and says, "Congratulations to the 2005 NBA Champion Spurs." A pause. "Yeah, I knew it had to be you!"

I've been working for a friend of Mom's for a bit, in case I forgot to mention that earlier. She's a lawyer. But a disorganized one. Which means I spend most of the time at the office rooting through the mess she calls her filing system for whatever she needs at the moment. (I don't care; I get paid by the hour.)

Also occasionally make runs to some courthouse or another to get some case file. If I start doing this on a regular basis, I'll need to find somewhere to keep my pocketknife besides my keyring, because most courts don't allow weapons -- even inch-long blades. Gets annoying to have to take it off the ring and leave it in the car... gets even MORE annoying if I have to head back to the car because I forgot and brought it with me.

Anyway, today was lots of photocopying at the law library, and a visit to the courthouse clerk... wait, what? *double-takes at the sign outside the clerk's office* Somehow an "f" had fallen off the sign, which meant I was visiting the "CLERKS OF ICE".

And across the hall, the Clerks of Fire, with the Clerks of Wind on the next floor... ^^

To the tune of Carol of the Bells...

Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars are now right.
Eons have passed: now then at last
Prison walls break, Old Ones awake!
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here.
They will reclaim all in their name;
Hopes turn to black when they come back.
Ignorant fools, mankind now rules
Where they ruled then: it's theirs again

Stars brightly burning, boiling and churning
Bode a returning season of doom

Scary scary scary scary solstice
Very very very scary solstice

Up from the sea, from underground
Down from the sky, they're all around
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here

Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars are now right.
Eons have passed: now then at last
Prison walls break, Old Ones awake!
Madness will reign, terror and pain
Woes without end where they extend.
Ignorant fools, mankind now rules
Where they ruled then: it's theirs again

Stars brightly burning, boiling and churning
Bode a returning season of doom

Scary scary scary scary solstice
Very very very scary solstice

Up from the sea, from underground
Down from the sky, they're all around.

Fear

(Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars now are right)

They will return.