Descartes, eat your heart out.
Apr. 2nd, 2007 01:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shirenomadMy brother and I sometimes, when we're feeling bored out of our minds slightly insane profound, discuss philosophical theories. Such as the Principle of the Zero-Sum Pen Universe.
Here's how the Principle works. There are a constant number of pens in the universe. Every time a pen is manufactured, another vanishes from existence. This is why the pen you knew was in the drawer yesterday sometimes disappears without a trace.
You might suggest that the solution is obvious: stop manufacturing pens. However, pens run out of ink; therefore, you must make a new one, and hope that the one that vanishes was out of ink anyway. (The amount of ink left in the pen does seem to be a factor as to whether it vanishes, but perfectly full pens have vanished under the Principle, so there are clearly other variables involves. More research is needed; unfortunately, my grant applications to date have all been rejected for some reason.)
The fact that the Principle increases pen sales is a bonus to pen manufacturers, in the same way dairy farmers quietly rejoice whenever a carton of milk goes bad and you're forced to buy a fresh quart. However, it is one they cannot so easily abuse: if they go crazy with pen production in an effort to wipe out the entire world's supply, the pens coming fresh off the conveyor belt are themselves at risk, and the cost of their production is lost before they can even be sold. Thus, Bic and others carefully track rates of pen annihilation and have come up with an optimum level of production that allows them the best risk/reward ratio. (Bic's research into this subject goes through their Department of Pen Threshold Observance and Optimization Inquiry, or Department of PTOOI.)
Pen Theory is offered as a course at most reputable institutions, and is required for any manager-level position at pen factories.
Here's how the Principle works. There are a constant number of pens in the universe. Every time a pen is manufactured, another vanishes from existence. This is why the pen you knew was in the drawer yesterday sometimes disappears without a trace.
You might suggest that the solution is obvious: stop manufacturing pens. However, pens run out of ink; therefore, you must make a new one, and hope that the one that vanishes was out of ink anyway. (The amount of ink left in the pen does seem to be a factor as to whether it vanishes, but perfectly full pens have vanished under the Principle, so there are clearly other variables involves. More research is needed; unfortunately, my grant applications to date have all been rejected for some reason.)
The fact that the Principle increases pen sales is a bonus to pen manufacturers, in the same way dairy farmers quietly rejoice whenever a carton of milk goes bad and you're forced to buy a fresh quart. However, it is one they cannot so easily abuse: if they go crazy with pen production in an effort to wipe out the entire world's supply, the pens coming fresh off the conveyor belt are themselves at risk, and the cost of their production is lost before they can even be sold. Thus, Bic and others carefully track rates of pen annihilation and have come up with an optimum level of production that allows them the best risk/reward ratio. (Bic's research into this subject goes through their Department of Pen Threshold Observance and Optimization Inquiry, or Department of PTOOI.)
Pen Theory is offered as a course at most reputable institutions, and is required for any manager-level position at pen factories.
