Now for the Book of the Month Club with cmzero!

[shirenomad]

Just finished an excellent read: Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul. It's got an admittedly Christian slant to it, but most of the first third of the book will speak to every guy out there regardless of their faith. I found myself nodding my head throughout, and even getting a little watery in the eyes when a point particularly hit me.

Speaking of which, I wanted to share the part that struck me as most profound (and important), namely: every boy needs to be told they're strong, by whatever father figure they have in their life. (It has to be the father, who almost inevitably serves as the example of what the boy seeks to become, at least at first.) This is vital to the kid's development. If he's not told he's strong in something (or worse, if he's told he's weak), that can devastate him down the road... many neuroses and unhealthy habits of adult men can be traced back to the inferiority that develops at that moment.

When a poor (or no) answer comes, the kid responds in one of two ways, depending on his personality: either he believes in the answer wholeheartedly and embraces it, or he focuses all his attention on proving it wrong (largely to fight the constant doubt that it's right). Thus:

• A boy told he's a "sissy" by his father will either become an unassuming pushover (believes it) or, out of fear of being a sissy, overcompensates as a huge tough guy (denies it).
• A boy told he's "useless" or "stupid" will either start self-sabotaging everything he does or over-achieve until it kills him (all the while believing it isn't good enough).
• A boy whose father just ignores him (or who isn't there) will find his questions about his strength unanswered and will believe he's on his own; he'll either be driven to prove his worth to others or a total loner.

And so on.

I have to wonder how many young men on my list are still letting their father's voice drive what they do. And how hard it is to stop listening to it.

Comments

[nedroid.livejournal.com]

I believe it.

[pretzelcoatl.livejournal.com]

I can partly relate with that last one... But Dad was still supportive, despite how he had trouble actually listening to what I've said to him, so reading this makes me realize even more that I'm luckier than most.

(Plus, it helped that Mom more or less was the authority in the house in the regards that being a "sensitive guy" was not an undesirable character trait.)

[shirenomad]

Well, sensitivity CAN be negative depending on how far it goes...

When I was younger, my dad had a problem with his temper (he handles it a lot better now, to his credit). I don't remember him ever striking anyone in anger, but boy could he yell. So the (unvoiced) answer I was getting to "Am I strong, Dad?" is "THIS is what being strong means" and I didn't like it. So I went to the other extreme and became shy, quiet, rarely willing to stand up for myself, and easy to lead around. That's "sensitive" taken to an unsafe level, and it's something I'm still trying to work myself away from.

[pretzelcoatl.livejournal.com]

Oh, I agree completely that sensitivity is a double-edged sword. In fact, I was more convinced that it was something negative. I took criticism very harshly and cried very easily, and although I gained a good reputation for being kind, I more or less became a doormat. Oddly enough, even though I cried a bit more often than every other boy, I didn't really get picked on about it too much. However, it WAS a problem because my mom, probably like your dad, got angry fairly often. Tempermental mom + yelling + sensitive kid = not very pleasant. As time went on, I "toughened up" a bit more out of necessity, and eventually discovered when I was older that sensitivity gave me many strengths as well as weaknesses.

As far as to how I toughened up and for what reasons, that's a totally different story. Heh.

[surgo.livejournal.com]

I'm a little skeptical about it. Just because your father figure tells you the opposite of "you're stupid" doesn't mean the boy won't overachieve until it kills him.

[shirenomad]

True -- there can be other influences that cause that -- but the book argues that it's the most common cause.

[eternalism.livejournal.com]

Out of curiosity, do you think the same rule applies to girls? Do they need to be told and shown that they're strong? Or does the book not go into that? If so, what are your opinions o the matter?

[shirenomad]

The book doesn't elaborate on girls much -- that's reserved for its "sequel" -- but it does establish that they need to told and shown they're wanted. Guys need to do exciting things, gals need to be included in exciting things by someone they care about. Etc. (Which has generally been my experience with women, although I can only speak so much on the subject, not being one myself.)

[eternalism.livejournal.com]

Makes sense, I suppose. I can't say much one way or the other, since I'm not your typical female, and my opinion on the matter would only be speaking for myself, not the general breasted populace.

However, from just the review of the sequel book you linked to, I can already tell it's got some bullshit. Every woman's core desires are to be romanced, to play a role in her own adventures, and to display beauty? I can think of plenty of women whose core desires are very much not this. Besides, it's not very good to state that this is every woman's desire. The majority, perhaps, not not 100%.

Unfortunately, a book written by a man (and yes, a woman too, but still there's a male bent to some of it) who is part of a male-centered religion isn't the first people I'd go to for advice on how women are or were supposed to be.

Again, still, these things claimed in his books may apply for the majority, but anyone who says they can tell you the core parts of every woman needs re-evaluating, I think.

[shirenomad]

Not as an adult, maybe; they grow up, decide those things aren't going to happen, and move on to other goals. Same goes for the three goals he declared for guys (I've lost a lot of interest in one of them -- adventure -- since my childhood). But he claims that boys and girls start off with their respective three goals.

[tomax.livejournal.com]

Being constantly told I was things such as stupid might be why I've gained the vast array of knowledge I have now. (such as how to make the thermite I'll be using to melt my parents' gravestones into puddles of molten stone :D )